Yesterday evening, sadness came from the past upwards, which hasn't happened for a month or so.
I was caught overwhelmed.
I missed my sister incredibly. Death felt near. Life felt like October sunlight's thinness.
Biting the inside of my lower lip could not stop tears. Over and over again, the slightest thing made me cry, the slightest tone in my lover's voice, the slightest wandering thought in my mind. My own body became artillary against my depressed mind, rising to meet my self-loathing with an ungraceful speed.
Yesterday evening was my life reflected in polished steel--intact but so blurred that I had to strain to recognize monuments.
But when I did strain, I discovered gold-plated-sparkles in the darkness...
EmiBeth waiting for me at the Ruggles T station, encircling me with her arms, kissing our surroundings into non-existence until all that existed were our eyes locked, our lips touching gently, our breath meeting, twirling, dancing. Breaking the spell, a young boy, perhaps 13, perhaps 15, approached us. Hello, beautiful ladies... We both tensed. We both expected a reaction from the boy that would make both our stomachs clench with that overpowering concoction of fear, embarrassment, and anger. But the beautiful boy was smiling--his face glowing, and without flinching at us--at two women wooing and kissing one another, he inquired of us, ...who are you for? Yankees or the Sox? When we voiced our support for Boston, he let out a sigh-boo-sound of disappointment, smiled broadly and walked away a cheerful, optimistic Yankees fan thinking only of the game.
**
Coming into my room after two, to my lover sleeping deeply, contentedly, I snuggled beside her in the already warmed bed. I stroked her forehead, until she whimpered in her sleep and shifted into me, nestling her head into my shoulder, pressing her body to me even in sleep. In the quiet of the almost-over night, I searched myself for doubt about us. There has always been doubt before. Insecurity. Unfulfillment. Disappointment. Fear. I searched my thoughts for the first sign of the end of us, even though we've just begun (it is a fatalism that refuses to relinguish me). But there, with her breathing ever deeper, with her snores beginning softly, I ran through my thoughts as if they were an open field with a crystal-blue sky stretched above them and I breathed in air that reminded me of Maine. Kissing her forehead, thinking to myself that if I woke her in that moment, she would kiss me, hold me tighter to her, tell me that she loves me and fall back to sleep assured that I loved her, too. I didn't wake her but closed my own eyes, smiling to myself as if I'd just discovered truth.
I long to swim in your ocean... to awake from a peaceful sleep, cradled by your warmth and perfection, to reach over your side, letting my fingers quietly graze your smooth, pale skin, to press myself against you, to close my eyes and know what it's like to be in heaven.... [infiniteaaah.livejournal.com]