There are backs and forths. Elation and sadness. The now and the past and what won't or will be of the future.
There is Emi Beth who brought to me with her softness and her patience my first orgasm with a lover. With her lips against mine and her arm beneath my head, I washed over her hand. What surprised me most was the safeness. The lack of flashback or fear. The warmth that spread over me when I finally let go of myself in the arms of another.
But then, I am even more surprised with the overwhelming fact that the woman I trusted to let go of myself with is not my girlfriend. I am not in love with Emi Beth, though I am finding myself loving her more each day I spend with her. She is a friend/lover. Our bodies join together as if molded in a gentle warmth, but we are not scarred by sparks that burn ourselves up for the other.
And I am still walled safely from too much vulnerability.
My body floated. Passive to anything that might happen to it. I had surrendered.
But I am a woman who fights herself. And with each joy, there is always a heartbreak.
And fifteen minutes after my flight, my heart dropped out from under me. Second chances, I thought, wishing and knowing that I've had my second chance over and over again and each time, I crumbled.
And gentle, beautiful Emi Beth held me while I cried for another. And there was no hurt between us--only a passionate friend taking my heart's confession with gentle kisses and warmth.